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I feel like I should write an update on my previous journal entry, since a lot of new visitors on my page are commenting on it and I'd like to clear up several points that have changed over time.
Let's start with my schooling: since everyone else is on an internship we only have classes on Friday. Since I have been told that finding myself an internship is not necessary for it would be a waste of time and energy; I am home most of the time. And even when I am at college I don't even do a single thing. I just sit there with my laptop, mainly because I still pay for the school fees. If I were to quit college now, I will have to pay back my grant and stuff like that which will get me in a lot of financial trouble. This is the safest way for me to do things. In the meantime I have signed myself up for another college and I've been accepted! That is a huge weight off my shoulders. I start in my new college in August and I'm looking forward to a different scenery.
As for my psychological problems I now have two different appointments every week: - The first appointment I have is with the youth counsellor. We mostly discuss how I am doing and what I am doing when I'm not in school. She also helps me to think about things to do while I am not in school; as I get back into depression whenever I get bored. - The second appointment I have is with a psychologist. Yes, I finally had contact with one and I've had three sessions so far. The first session was basically discussing what needs to be done and how we're going to do it. My psychologist decided to work on my past traumas first and reduce the tension that it gives me whenever I think of them in a detailed manner. These sessions are rather heavy and even though I already feel like I am no longer in the mood to do them; I know that I need it. We're taking small steps and I genuinely hope that there will be huge differences in the future.
However, some things are still the same from my previous update; I still get bored very easily and get demotivated to do anything that used to keep me busy throughout the day. I still have occasional emotional meltdowns, but there is unfortunately not much I can do about that. My main solution is to vent at friends, or to lay down in bed and cry it all out. I also find myself in various conflicts with my significant other, purely because I need a lot of support from them but I can't always get it. There also has been a lot of miscommunication between us, but we're still together which puts my heart to rest. The way they talk to me and what effect it has on me is way different from when the words come from a normal friend of mine. I do not want to lose that feeling of relief whenever I vent to her.
Another thing that is the same is that my parents do not at all seem to understand the concept of me seeing a psychologist. When I first announced it to them they claimed that I was blaming them for my emotional issues. Though they are partially the problem; never have I put the blame entirely on them. And that is unfortunately something they do not listen to. My youth counsellor came with the idea that she will explain my current situation to my parents, since whenever I say it; it seems to process in the wrong way. I accepted that offer, but it seems like my father somehow manages to avoid the calls from the youth counsellor. The next time I'll see her I will ask her to send my dad an email instead, maybe then it will be brought to their attention.
I still carry a lot of stress with me, but it is slowly being taken care of. It's progress, but sometimes it just feels like it's not even helping at all.